[a gabbled, angry, spittle-flecked voice, cutting into the PA on the ship as many such vascometrics-triggered commercials often do]


We caught you again, thinking about sleep. This is the fourth time in the last hour that the alpha wave levels in your occipital lobe have peaked! You think you have time for sleep? Let me tell you buddy, life is a sliver of light between two infinite walls of darkness, and you gotta hit your targets before that second wall hits you!

Yeah, sure, I know what you’re gonna say. “I need sleep”! “I’m too poor to get my central nervous system refitted”. Good thing some of us were smart enough to solve our problems instead of just whining about them! That’s how we invented SPEED COFFEE!

Now, with SPEED COFFEE, we can give losers like you a helping hand… or, more accurately, a kick up the ass!

Powerful amphetamines, with realistic coffee flavour! SPEED COFFEE!

Beat laziness, hit targets, make money, and be an all-round better person. SPEED COFFEE!

Over 40mg of our patented blend of levoamphetamine, dextroamphetamine, and other secret ingredients in every self-heating cup! SPEED COFFEE!

Stay awake and stay productive. Just rip the foil lid, pull the tab and SPEED COFFEE is hot and ready to drink before you can say “ARGH! MY HANDS ARE BURNING!”

Somno say you need more sleep. Get real. Those jerks would say that, right? We know how much sleep you need, and it’s less than you think. So stop doing it. Stop thinking about it. And drink SPEED COFFEE. If you’re hearing this commercial, it’s in a vending machine NEAR YOU.


Sleep when you’re dead!


Buy it, you lazy piece of garbage!